I don’t know why I’m even posting this but I am. brb. Time to fangirl.

Next fucking Sunday I get to see Jeremy Fucking Mckinnon. I wish I could meet him. & Austin. & the rest of all those boys. I’m gonna cry no matter what but meeting Jeremy would make my life. I mean, I feel so weird being so obsessed with A Day To Remember but their music got me through sooo much shit. I mean, when I’m upset, pissed off, depressed, happy no matter what THEY HAVE A SONG FOR IT & IT’S EXACTLY HOW I FEEL & IT JUST MAKES EVERYTHING BETTER. I feel like they’re such an amazing band & a lot of people don’t see that. But I do & I love them so much. Ugh someone get me to meet them. Please.

So all day I’ve been in such a great mood thinking to myself that I’ve been feeling so much better. But now, I’m having a breakdown. I don’t know why. I feel like people just use me when they need something. Like I’m the one to call if you need a ride. Not to hang out, just for a ride. Like, really? That’s such bullshit. I try my best to be there for people & look, I have no one here for me when I need them. Great guys. Good fucking “friends” you are.

Honestly I want to be dead. I wish I wasn’t such a pussy & could just slit my fucking wrists. I want to be dead. I honestly hate my life so much. I would rather be dead. omfg. someone else kill me. Obviously I’m too much of a fucking pussy. If I could, I would just shoot myself in the fucking head. That’d be so simple.

I’m doing it. I don’t fucking care. If I lose him I’m done. I’m fucking done. I’m gonna live without him. I do not care. I need him.. He is literally the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I fucked everything up. Literally a worthless cunt, I have a knife and I’m gonna write a quick note. Bye.

Just woke up from an awful dream. I was sitting at my own funeral. Watching the kids from my school poor in but no one really get upset. Just kind of show up & talk amongst each other. The only people who got upset were the bitches that want sympathy because they’re crying. It was a really shitty feeling to see all these people come in & very few actually sit through the service & give a shit. Damn. I’m bawling & need someone to talk to but I don’t wanna bother Eric if he’s sleeping & there is no one else I can just call & talk to.. Fucking hell.

IM FAT & I DON’T CARE IF YOU DONT THINK SO. I DO. IT’S MY BODY, ID KNOW. Ugh. Honestly hate my body. I’m so gross. Legitimately repulsed by my own stomach. I would go work out but would be even more self conscious doing it alone. Hate myself so bad~

Literally feel like the most unappreciated person their ever was. I don’t care if that makes me sound selfish. I deserve to be appreciated by someone other than Eric. I’m glad he does but damnit what about these so called “friends”? Like they give a shit, right? I literally have no friends that
I can call up when I need someone to talk to. That’s so fucked up. Everyone needs that one friend & I have no body. Not a single fucking person. Fuck you pieces of shit.

Tomorrow’s my birthday. Is it bad to think that not a single person will give a fuck? My parents do cause they are taking me out to dinner and offering to make me breakfast. I mean my “friends” won’t give a fuck. I don’t really have any friends anyway. Ugh. My life really does suck. I’m not saying my life is hard, by any means. It just sucks. I’m too unstable to have good, close friends. Fuck it. Forever alone, I guess.

I am the biggest piece of shit known to man and I think Eric could agree. I’m fucking retarded, Eric told me that. I agree. I’m bawling, dry-heaving, shaking, and my muscle just ache from it all. Definitely gonna do some damage tonight. I deserve it & no one can convince me any different. Heh. I probably should off myself but I promised this chick that’s all concerned about me that I’d see her at school tomorrow. If I actually did end it, she’d tell everyone, ‘SHE FELT SUICIDAL WHEN I TALKED TO HER SATURDAY AND I SHOULD HAVE STOPPED HER BLABLAHBLAH GIVE ME SYMPATHY’ lol that sounds so ruthless but knowing the people at my school, that’s pretty accurate. Someone else dies, they should get sympathy. ugh killing myself just makes me think of Andrew. When he killed himself, all the girls bawled cause they were all such good friends with him but yet never knew he was having those thoughts? I don’t think so.. & everyone was just completely over that fact that that had happened the next fucking day.. I can’t just be okay with someones suicide like that. like wtf. that shit is sad as fuck. I mean, if the bitches from my school did the shit they did at his funeral, I’d be so pissed. ‘I MET HIM ONCE WHEN I WAS 2, BFFS TIL THE END. GOING TO HIS FUNERAL’ YOU DISRESPECTFUL LITTLE CUNT. YOU DON’T GO TO A FUNERAL FOR A KID WHO YOU DIDN’T EVEN KNOW. GO KILL YOURSELF. that shit pissed me off so much. it still does. like, if you show up at my funeral and my parents don’t know you, you’re getting kicked the fuck out, okay? ugh. I really should just end it. I mean, what have I done that was actually good? lol nothing. gotta love being a pointless person~